Sometimes Life Should Come with a Warning Label
Insta-Mom — Just Add Water!
Now you too can be a Super Mom! Our revolutionary new product is guaranteed to transform you into a coupon-clipping, condo-cleaning, state-of-the-art Mom as we embark on a new millennium! Merge Martha Stewart with Donna Reed and add a dash of Tori Amos and voila! Insta-Mom is here!
Contains: One (1) Insta-Mom (ingredients: attractive 20-year old waitress that just gave up on a dance career and barely completed depression treatment), One (1) Young Dad (ingredients: brainy but romantic computer geek with hazel eyes and brown curls), One (1) Ex-Wife (ingredients: unstable, pseudo-hippie ex-wife to abandon her son and thus necessitate the creation of the Insta-Mom), One (1) Amazing Child (ingredients: unbelievably intelligent toddler with the vocabulary of a kindergartener and the face of a cherub).
Directions for Use: Open Insta-Mom packaging. Remove Insta-Mom from her surroundings and place her in a home with Young Dad and Amazing Child. Add one inch water to Insta-Mom’s environment daily. Make sure to have Ex-Wife nearby to make excuses for her tardiness and absence. Wait one month. After Ex-Wife threatens bodily harm against Insta-Mom, remove Ex-wife from vicinity quite suddenly by plane, train, automobile, or bus. Add one pot of coffee to Insta-Mom daily. Remove nicotine from Insta-Mom’s environment. Add long hours and long commutes to Young Dad’s new career at prominent computer software company. Mix well. Wait two months. Remove Young Dad, Insta-Mom, and Amazing Child from current home and relocate them to a nicer one. Watch as your Insta-Mom adjusts almost seamlessly into her new environment. Ex-Wife will not be in the picture at this time, so enjoy the peace and quiet as you watch your Insta-Mom mature and evolve into a pseudo-wife and mother. You are now on your way to enjoying life as an Insta-Mom!
WARNING: NOT RECOMMENDED FOR WOMEN UNDER THE AGE OF 20. RECOMMENDED FOR WOMEN THAT ARE CURRENTLY TAKING Prozac OR ANOTHER ANTI-DEPRESSANT DRUG. IN SOME CASES, Insta-Mom HAS BECOME A PERMENANT CONDITION FOR THE USERS. RECOMMENDED ONLY IF THE Insta-Mom ENJOYS CLASSIC ROCK AND DANCING WITH TODDLERS. DO NOT USE UNDER THE AFFECTS OF ALCOHOL OR OTHER SUBSTANCES THAT CAN WEAKEN JUDGEMENT AND RATIONAL ABILITY. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR Insta-Moms IN THE CASE WHERE Young Dad IS BEST FRIENDS WITH THE MAN IN LOVE WITH Insta-Mom. SOME LONG-TERM SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: DEPRESSION, ANGER AT Ex-Wife, DREAMS IN DEEP SLEEP INVOLVING CHILD-BEARING, LONG-LASTING MOTHERING INSTINCT, ATTRACTION TO SMALL CHILDREN THAT ARE NOT ONE’S OWN, LOSS OF JOB, DISPLACEMENT OF BEST FRIENDS, AND POSSIBLE THEFT OF CD COLLECTION. MAY HAVE LONG-TERM EFFECTS ON Insta-Mom’s RELATIONSHIP WITH Ex-Wife AND Insta-Mom’s Mutual Friends (Mutual Friends sold separately). USE ONLY AS DIRECTED. SOME RESTRICTIONS MAY APPLY.
